You'll Always Be In My ❤️, Dear Umi

It's almost 21 days since Umi passed away. Yes, this is, by far one of the saddest news I've to share. My dearest mother has returned to rahmatullah as of Tuesday, 06 January 2015 at 0020 hours. She was 56.

إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ‎
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un

"To God we belong & to Him we return"

Honestly, things are so different right now.. I would usually rushed home when I have nothing on because I didn't want Umi to be alone during Maghrib. Some of the days, it couldn't be helped. Days after she was gone & I went back to school, I really had no motivation to attend classes. Who would after all that happened? I felt as if I was forced to do something I didn't like, when the fact is.. I was just too sad. Yes, I laughed when my friends were around. It's because they tried their best to cheer me up. I appreciate it much. But during my journey back home.. During the train rides.. Bus rides.. I couldn't avoid staring into blank space & I would just teared up. Yes, I cried in public transports. That's just how bad it is.

I've had chicken pox since last Monday, so I had a 12-day MC. When I was home alone during day time a few days ago, again, I would stare into blank space. I was remembering how Umi would take good care of us when we fell sick. During the years when she could walk, she handed us panadols to eat & went to the market to buy ingredients to cook us porridge or soup. Even when she wasn't able to walk, she took the effort to sit on the computer chair to cook those dishes for us. So right now, when I'm having chicken pox, I realized that I'm just missing her even more. I'm missing all the delicious food she cooked. Much misses.

Almost every morning, when we're on our way to school/work, Umi used to send us the "Have a blessed journey to your destination!" messages. Whenever I received it, a smile just planted on my face. I felt happy. It's sad how we're not gonna receive the same message from the same person anymore..

Every single day, I went to her Facebook account, despite knowing the fact that I won't be seeing anything new on her wall.. I don't know.. She's been so active on Facebook. Forever updating pictures of her cooking, especially on the NMA page since the day she joined the group. She made lots of friends there, always sharing recipes with one another. When she got new recipes, she gave it a try.. Though a few of her attempts didn't quite worked out, I salute her for having the courage to make an attempt. But she always cook it with love, that's why her food tasted good. No kidding.

It's indeed heart wrenching that she won't be here for kakak's wedding, though it's a month & a few days away. We've bought the clothing material to have it tailored. Umi has been looking forward to everything & now.. I hope to help kakak physically & mentally in preparing for her wedding. I know she needs a lot of support mentally, so my family & I are gonna give it a shot, insyaállah. We'll do everything we can to make this wedding a success. Insyaállah.

I'm personally sad with the fact that she won't be there when Faris & I graduate from Poly this year (insyaállah, we will). I know I've let her down too many times when it comes to my studies. I was so happy to be able to pursue my diploma because I feel that that was the time I've seen Umi being very proud of me. Throughout the years, I've been dreaming of wearing the graduation robe & take pictures with my family. But I'm so sorry Umi for being a little too late. Insyaállah, Faris & I will make you proud.

One of the reasons I can't stop crying was also due to the thoughts that I won't be able to introduce my future boyfriend to her. I don't know.. All the girl talks, all the advises.. I need a mother's guidance.. But sadly, I can't. So I have to solely depend on my family & friends for that. There are just so many things I cried about when I'd this long-term thinking.

But time & again, I tell myself to redha. To look on a bright side. Umi doesn't have to suffer anymore. Beautiful things happened on that day. I never want to forget that.

Umi,

Just to let you know that you've been the best mother in the world & I would never want anyone to replace you. I know we argued about a lot of things till a few occasions, our arguments went bad. But that's part & parcel of being a family. We fight, doesn't mean we don't love one another. But nonetheless, I'm very sorry for all the times I disappointed you & letting you down. Despite all that, I still love you deeply. I appreciate all the tender loving care you'd showered us with. I look up to you as my role model because you were a brave fighter for 10 years. We know you were scared, but somehow, you put up a brave front & showed us your determination to get better in order to live longer. Even in that state, you showed us signs of worry because you couldn't cook for us. I literally went awed (mentally), but your condition was more important to us, though. Insyaállah, we'll still live up to your principles. We'll try our very best to be anak-anak yang soleh dan soleha. We'll do our best to make ayah happy. I hope to visit your kubur as often as I can. Insyaállah, we'll meet again, in Jannah.

Arwah Salbiah Bte Hj. Mohd Suleiman

I love & miss you very much, Umi.

You'll always be in our hearts.

Al-fateha.

Regards,

Hazirah A. Rahim